Alfie F Jones
by Minosu
Summary: Hi! My name is Alfred F. Jones! Only I don't like Alfred. It doesn't even sound heroic. It sounds geeky, so I just like Alfie and that's all. My middle name is F. There's more, except I forgot. -au, eventual USxUK-
1. Chapter 1

Hi! My name is Alfred F. Jones! Only I don't like Alfred. It doesn't even sound heroic. It sounds geeky, so I just like Alfie and that's all. My middle name is F. Theres more, except I forgot. I am almost six years old. Almost six is when you get to be in a summer soccer team before you start kindergarten. In kindergarten, you go to learn and not watch 'Action Heroes' on TV. How lame.

Today is my soccer team's first game. I'm number 50. I chose that 'cause that's the biggest number I can count to. My team's name is "The super awesome dinosaur fish of mass destruction that live in blue volcanoes". Everyone agreed, but the coach just took an asprin and hit himself on the head. He said he'd just call us "the volcanoes". But who cares about a stupid team name like that? The one we chose was awesome! Just like me! We're all totally gonna win. We're sitting in a huddle right now eating s'mores. Only I'm not allowed to have s'mores at home anymore 'cause last time I squashed a cooked marshmallow on my baby brother's head. His name is Mattie.

Adults like to sit around Mattie and stare at him. I dunno why though. He isn't interesting. All he does is cry and throw up on himself. Mom says I'll get it when I'm old, just like her.

In the huddle, 'Tonio suddenly hugged Lovina. I wouldn't do that ever, 'cause she's totally wacko. Every time he hugs her, she kicks him in the gut.

Haha, she totally just nailed him. Lovina got him so hard that he's falling over and gagging all over the place! I wish I had a camera to record this beautiful moment. When I went to the beach last year, I took a bunch of pictures of people with one. Only one guy didn't want his picture taken, so he kept on hiding and hiding, so eventually I got all up in his face and took a bunch right up next to his eye. But then he started looking at me all scary, so I got flutterflies in my stomach and left.

The coach is taking Antonio outta the game now, 'cause he won't stop barfing. Our assistant coach is yelling at Lovina. Oh, now Antonio's parents are taking him home. Why's he turning around? He's blowing a kiss to Lovina!

"Byeeee Lovi! I love youuu!" I don't get why he loves her so much and stuff. All she does is punch him. Who even _likes_ girls anyway? They're gross, and they have cooties, and they think its gross when I eat bugs. I think that it is very charming.

Yay, the game is starting! I'm on the field now, and- OW! I just fell!

"OKAY, WHO DID IT? WHO TRIPPED ME? 'CAUSE THAT WAS NOT POLITE, I TELL YOU!" I sprang up super fast. Tripping people is not nice. My dad says so.

This one girl is walking tward me. "You fell on your own cleats, you git." She said it funny, and not 'haha' funny, funny as in she mispronounced every word.

"Hey, why you talkin so weird?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"Are you deaf or something? That'd explain it. WHY. ARE. YOU. TALKIN. SO. WEIRD.?" I asked again, very polite and stuff.

"Well I never! How rude!" She huffed

"Yeah, only you didn't answer my question, missy!"

"I most certainly do not talk weird! I'm from England!" She stamped her foot.

"Yes you do!"

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Uh-huh!" I pulled on her pigtail.

"Nuh-uh!" She pushed me.

"Uh-huh!" I pushed back.

"Nuh-uh!" She hit me on the arm.

"Uh-huh!" I punched her on the arm back.

"Nuh-u-" _Pwee!_ Somebody blew a whistle real loud. The dude with the striped black and white shirt is coming over. He and I are familiar with eachother. And he looks mad.

/  
Great. We can't go back in and play till we make a mends.

A mends is when you shake hands and 'pollogise.

'Pollogising means 'lie to the other person and say sorry or else'. I dunno what the 'or else' is, but I'm sure my dad'll show me if I don't obey the rules and stuff.

"Hear that, missy? You have ta 'pollogise to me!" I grinned, very triumphant.

"My name is not missy, it is Alice Kirkland! And _you_ owe _me _an apology!"

"NO, _you _owe_ me_ a 'pollogy!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Uh-huh!"

"Nuh-uh-" _Pwee!_ He blew his whistle again.

"Yeah, only that kinda makes my ears hurt, so I'll appreciate it if you stop." I said, not happily.

He looked at me very scary. Like that guy at the beach. Guess what? Now I have flutterflies in my tummy again. "First, Miss Alice, you can say that you're sorry to Alf here, and then, Alf, you say sorry to Miss Alice. Got it?"

She nodded. "_Alf, _I'm sorry." She rolled her eyes really annoyed-ish. Totally not cool.

"Sorry Allie!" Now that the 'pollogies were over, we dashed back onto the field like speeding emus. She was running after me and yelled.

"My name is_ ALICE! _NOT _ALLIE, _you baboon!"

"That's what I said! ALLIE! AHAHA!"

/

The game ended. We lost.

Allie is the one who scored the winning goal for her team.

Also, some more bad news. Some new people moved in next door. The Kirkland family.

/x/

_If you haven't guessed yet, this is a crossover between Junie B. Jones and Hetalia. I love the fact that Alfred's last name is already Jones! It made it so easy for me to choose this!_

_ It won't be updated as often as 'Princess Felicia and Lovina the Pauper', mainly because it's hard to write a first-person story about an ADD boy._


	2. Chapter 2

Yesterday, my parents let me go pick out a movie to cheer me up because the Super Awesome Dinosaur Fish of Mass Destruction that Live In Blue Volcanoes lost. We went to the movie rental place that always smells like barbeque sauce. The last time we went I asked the cashier dude why it smelled so weird and he rolled his eyes at me. Teenagers are not nice people.

The movie I picked out was Jurrassic Park. It had dinosaurs on it, so it looked really cool. My parents almost didn't lemme get it, but I pouted really sad and so we checked it out.

I got to stay up till 11:30 watching it! Now I'm outside playing dinosaurs with Mattie. He is not a good actor, because he's being so boring that I forgot he's there and tripped over him and got grass in my mouth.

"Oww!" I got up and did a huffy breath at Mattie. "Not fair, mister!" I want a popcicle now so I can wash the taste of grass outta my mouth. My favorite ones are the cherry ones that have the American flag colors on it and are shaped like crayons. Firecrakers.

Oh no. Alice is getting her mail. I can't let her see me! She'll bite my head off and stomp me into the ground like the T-rex off of Jurassic Park! Now I'm standing extra still like the people on the movie did so she can't see me. I don't feel like being decapitated or stomped on today, thank you.

Darnit. She sees me. She's wrinkling up her nose real tight. "_What, _in the queen's name, are you _doing_, Alfred?"

"I'm freezing so you can't see me. Only it didn't work out too perfectly."

"Freezing, hm? Well, while you were freezing, it seems your popcicle did the opposite. Haha." She turned around and went back to the mailbox.

"What do you mean by-" Oh. My popcicle melted all over on my shirt and everything. "Ewww. Hey, Allie!"

She spun around speedy quick. "Alice!"

"Same thing." I waved my hand the way mom does when she wants me to be quiet. "Gonna lemme borrow your hose?"

Alice scanned me. It was scary. "…Sure." She rolled her eyes acting all annoyed. Why was she acting so annoyed, anyway? This whole dellima was her fault and everything!

Wait, whys she going into her garage? The hose is in front of the rose bushes! When the old neighbors sprinkled their lawn, the sprinkler was plugged in from there! I would know perfectly well, cause I used that sprinkler's full extent until they were all rude and chased me off their lawn, like "Get away! This is the last straw!" Come to think of it, that's the day their house went up for sale.

She's finally coming back with a… OH GOD NO! NOT A SUPERSOAKER!

I just got doused! By a GIRL! This is worse than the whole soccer thing! That's it! I'm spraying her with my hose!

Now Alice is shaking all the water off like a dog. "Oh, _now_ you've done it.!" She's smiling all creepy, like that Francis guy who lives down the street. Man, he's weird. The last time I saw him, he said he was planning on overthrowing the government and taking over the whole world! I'm not gonna let him do that till after I get to be President!

Also, Francis is gonna be a first grader, which means he's older than me and I have to obey him, so he's automatically cool. He is best friends with Ludwig's brother, and Antonio. I know this cause sometimes Francis tags along with Ludwig's brother when my soccer team has meetings and cheer on Antonio.

Alice is coming outta her garage again with… TWO SUPERSOAKERS! OH NO! I'm running like a speeding leopard. She's still wearing that scary smile. Aren't little girls supposed to be sweet and charming and _not_ homicidal looking?

I ran into my house all panicked and screaming. My mom is giving me a raised-eyebrow look. Shouldn't she be protecting me and making me chocolate chip cookies by now? She says the words "No more Jurassic Park."

Bummer.

Also, another bummer. I left Mattie out there with Alice.

/x/

Supersoakers: the ultimate childhood weapon! I totally miss those.


	3. Chapter 3

Dear readers;

I'm completely sorry for this, but my computer at home broke… meaning that I have to type all of these at the library's computer, and I dunno how long the librarians will let me get on these at a time, nor do I know how often my mom will let me go to the library before she gets suspicious.

This means that updates will take long times in between. Sorry! I'll do my best to update as often as I can!

~ Minosu~


	4. Chapter 4

I've got the greatest awesome news ever! My birthday is in a few days! Not only that, but it's also the Fourth of July! Cool, right? We're gonna have a huge party in my backyard to celebrate it! Everyone on my street and on my soccer team got invited, plus some extra people. Like, Lovina's coming, but sister Feli is on another soccer team and was all sad about not getting invited, so I gave her an invite. Plus, Antonio and Francis didn't wanna go without Gilbert. And Kiku's sister Yong Soo wanted to come, so she'll be there. Nobody can say no to Yong Soo. She's just one of those girls.

Today we're planning my birthday, and buying some fireworks. It'll be soooo sweet! Also, we're buying my favorite thing in the world; cake mix! Cake is the best food ever. 'Specially the chocolate kind. My grandpa had some for his birthday, only we went inside and left it out, and some raccoons ate it. I still had some of what was left when mom wasn't looking, though. I tried to get some while she was paying attention, and she said that it wasn't sanitary. But I don't care, 'Cause who wants to pass up cake, that's what I'd like to know!

My mom turned to me and said the dumbest thing I ever heard. "Honey, I think you should invite Alice to your party. She's new, and this is a great way for her to make some new friends."

"Nooo! This is _my_ party, Betsy! I don't want Alice there! She'll wreck it!" I said, very grown-up like.

She blinked at me. "Alfie, I've told you, don't call me by my name. You should invite her. You don't really have to talk to her, just let her come."

It sounded like my mom was trying to make a greement. Mommy and daddy make a greements all the time, but it usually just sounds like yelling. I negotiated cunningly. "Only if I can hide her in Abraham's doghouse. 'Cause that is only fair."

Mommy squinted at me like she was staring at the sun. "She will be invited, Alfred, or I am putting Abraham in a dog shelter."

I gulped. 'Cause what do you know? Betsy is also a cunning negotiator.

Now we're at home, and I hae to give an invitation to Alice Kirkland. Only we're outta actual invitations, so I have to give her one that has a teddy bear on it from when I was only four. Four year olds are tiny. I never noticed that 'till I became a big kid, though. 'Cause its hard to tell when you're a little kid yourself. Thankfully, I am a big boy now and can see differences. Just like the underpants commercial said.

I rang Alice's doorbell, and it has a pretty sound. I rang it again, and again, and again until Alice's mom answered the door wearing a furry robe and swung the door open. "Bloody hell, child! I don't want to buy any boy scout cookies! Stop coming here!" She yelled really loud.

"Don't worry, Madam." I patted her very assuringly. "I'm here for this!" I grinned real big and held out the invitation.

Her face softened a teeny bit. "Oh, alright, Alfred. She should be able to come. Thank you."

A fire alarm started going off in the kitchen, which made Mrs. Kirkland jump, and it ruined the moment. Darn. I was about to ask her to buy some boyscouts icecream. "Victoria! Make sure Charles hasn't destroyed the kichen!" Alice's mom shouted.

A boy's voice wailed through the kitchen."Mum! Todd set fire to the eggs!"

Another voice that sounded almost just like the first complained "But Charles toasted the bacon!"

An older girl's voice shrieked. "Todd! Charles! What_ is_ that? It looks absolutely ghastly!"

Mrs. Kirkland looked at me wearily. "Terribly sorry, but you have to leave now, alright?" I leaned inside the door to see what was going on, but Alice's mom snapped the door shut before I could see. I wonder what was happening?

I walked home and watched TV 'cause Krypto the Superdog was on. I love that show a lot. Sometimes I pretend Abraham is Krypto, and I'm Superman. That's what I was doing when Daddy came home.

"I'm home honey! Where's the cake?"

Mom looked at him like he was an alien. Man, that'd be cool! I love aliens! "George, what do you mean? Alfie's birthday isn't for a few days!"

He looked at her. "Betsy, today was _Mattie's_ birthday."

I ran outta the room speedy quick. Why? Cause it looked like they were about to have a greement. A loud one.

/x/

Happy birthday to my favorite Alzheimer's disease inducing Canadian, Mathew Williams!

You've just gotten a glimpse of Alice's family. There will be more~! Here's the basic info on the families;

Alfie's dad; George. (Named after George Washington)

Alfie's mom; Betsy. (Named after Betsy Ross)

Alfie's dog; Abraham. (Abraham Lincoln)

Alice's mom; Elizabeth (Queen Elizabeth)

Alice's dad; John (John Smith?)

Alice's big sister; Victoria (Representing Wales)

Alice's older twin brothers; Todd and Charles (Representing Scotland and Ireland)

Eventually, there will be a Sealand =)


End file.
